life goes on


I’ve been adeptly riding the waves, both literally and figuratively, lately. I tend to be one of those people who is extremely shaken up by minor inconvenience, and simultaneously unfazed by the major stuff. I can suck it up and slog my way through major health battles, financial trouble, and death of loved ones. But if I have to repeat myself more than once, or my favorite bowl breaks, or if a nurse gives me the tiniest bit of shade, I turn into a fiery ball of rage and tears. So I knew I could handle pandemic life, and I knew the hard part would be missing my favorite restaurants and coffee shops, not the fear of death. And there was a lot of fear of death. It was some kind of cruel joke to be finally given access to a life-changing, highly-effective, gene therapy drug for my cystic fibrosis, just to be scared of a novel virus that could take it all away. So I stayed home, and sanitized like crazy, and made masks for my family. That wasn’t the hard part though. The hard part was trying to stand up for myself and my family when the time came to slowly venture back into the world. It still isn’t easy despite being fully vaccinated, with a booster on the way. But I’m back to socializing and seeing family and friends. I have vacationed, and visited, and camped. I try to keep the topic on lighter things like my son’s love of swearing and video games, and my complete lack of preparation for his education. I mean who really signs their kid up for preschool in February during a pandemic? Not me that’s for sure 🤣

It really has been refreshing to be living life again. My mood has been relatively stable, my lungs feel amazing, and I haven’t seen the inside of an ER for over a year. It’s also very strange to be working and planning for a future. I spent up until 2015 thinking I could die at any moment, and now that I am coming around to the idea of having a future, I still can’t stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, the next trough. I suppose it’s natural given the nature of the universe and my own personal trauma to always be wondering what’s next. But for the first time in a very long time, it doesn’t consume me. So when I was looking out at the sunset, with my friends and my son, remembering the times when Lake Michigan was my only joy…. the reality of my life hit me. Life is so good for me right now that the waves and the sunset had less meaning. It will always be a joyful place for me, my zen, the place I come when I need perspective. But for now...I don’t NEED it. And that is some hard hitting introspection you just can’t get from home.

Soon it’ll be fall and I’ll be back to avoiding people…and whether it’s a crest or trough, I’ll ride the waves. For now I’ll enjoy this crest and the view from the top.